It’s almost 5 in the morning.

5 minutes ago, my dad came into my room to pass me the MOS Clubbers Guide 2009 CD that he bought, to pass to Pinkie because he realised he cannot listen to…….. those songs. Thank God. At least that’s one person less around me listening to trance. *grimace*

4.55am. My dad came to pass me a CD at 4.55am. It sounds ridiculous, but my heart breaks at this, only because I know he is doing so because he cannot sleep.

An hour ago, he was in my room telling me about his day at work.
Some people deserve to die. Rather, they don’t deserve to live, or have what they have anyway. Seeing my dad unable to sleep at 4 in the morning when he has a whole day of meetings the next day at work is insane. I pray all these gets sorted out soon. Prayer works, right?

Alex (yes, Kelv’s evil friend) asked me how I was on MSN earlier today. How am I? I was at a loss as to how to reply him. So I asked him why he asked. A string of text followed which didn’t answer my question but it didn’t matter anymore. I tried to answer his question but he said I wasn’t answering it.

Tired. Stoned. Don’t feel much about anything. Sian.

He said that wasn’t answering his question, and I suppose it’s true. I need to figure out the mess in my head. Something tells me I’m afraid to. The other day after speaking with Van online, we talked briefly about what was bothering us. I didn’t particularly want to get into the conversation any deeper than the surface, but it happened to scrape past just a lil.

And what’s scary is that just from that little bit of conversation came a lot of unspeakable heartache on my part. I don’t know what to do, and I’m not sure what I want anymore. I’m not even sure I want to face this.

There will always be periods of feeling far away from God, but somehow, this time feels different and I don’t mean that in a good way either. Things feel different. People feel different. Where are you? My heart is breaking and it’s useless to keep telling me that you are there to walk with me, not when I feel so alone. It is also completely pointless to tell me that ultimately I live for God and not anyone else when you are the ones who are making that difficult. Those words seem so empty now so I’d rather not hear them.

What makes me even sadder is that somehow along the way, the 8 days that I have left to countdown feels different as well. It tears me apart to feel this way and I’m not even sure what’s happening. I tell myself that things will be better in abit, things will be better… right?

Some days I wonder why I keep wanting to hear words spoken out loud to convey their meanings.
Is it REALLY simply because Words are my 2nd love language, or because everything else doesn’t give me enough security to just trust you?

So then what’s the difference and significance of words and actions?
Words serve to encourage.
Actions serve to support.

They come as a package – one cannot be without the other. If you just speak, what use is it? And if you just carry out actions without supporting, you get the task done but leave hearts to be broken. WHAT’S THE POINT????

I’m tearing up whilst typing this – I didn’t expect all these words and text to appear; I’d wanted to do a simple 3 liner post.

I wanted to say that I should just learn to bite my tongue, keep quiet and not bug you.

I hate feeling this alone.
Spare me empty words and superficial are you okays please.

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