the random adventures of jojo

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No, nothing else will do
I’ve gotta have you, I’ve gotta have you.

You’d think after about two and a half years of seeing my boyfriend for 3 months out of the entire year, I’d be used to it by now. I suppose this year has been somewhat easier, because there is knowledge at the back of my head that this is his last year there and that he will be back soon. Soon, is subjective, of course.

For the past 3 times he left to go back to school, it’d be in September. Every September I’d be upset (understatement of the year) when it was time for him to leave for London.

And after awhile, I’d be better. This was usually the middle of October. HAHAHA.

Things would be fine.. I’d be more used to the idea that he wasn’t around again. Until….. DECEMBER APPEARS.

Decembers have sucked for the past few years, simply because it’s my favourite month. Decembers are supposed to be all warm and fuzzy and slightly cool (weather-wise) and I guess, not having him around to share that with me just really really sucks.

Once the horrid December goes past, January is usually a little brighter.

In January, 3 months have since passed since he left! That seems like quite a feat, and makes things easier to bear.. because hey! That’s 3 months down from the 9 months it started with when he left in September.

And then February comes.
Februarys have been gloomy the past few years too, not because of Valentine’s Day please (he sends flowers! well, except this year HAHAHA).. but because it’s my birthday month and I am one of those people who loves celebrating their birthdays lah!

Random fact #23724: Did you know that I have never had a birthday spent with him before?

So yea, February gets a tad gloomy for me because like December and Christmas-time, I want to be able to spend it with him. It also doesn’t help that over the years, more and more people have gone abroad or gotten busier, and basically no one is free to spend my birthday with me. Oh well.

Things usually pick up after February because by March, I’ve pretty much gotten used to him being away all over again and have random outbursts of “COME HOME SOON!!!!” and “YAY YOU’RE COMING HOME SOON!!!” Haha.

Time usually seems to zip by from March to May, which is when he’s usually back for summer holidays.. but of course, never as fast as when he is around. Meh.

But you know, aside from these months when I seem to be more affected by my boyfriend being 10,000km away from me, there are random days when I just miss him more than usual.

Not any special day, just days when I’d just like him to be around.. just to talk, to share what happens in my life, to just…. be around.

I miss hugs and kisses, I miss holding hands, I miss his presence and I miss phone calls where I can hear him clearly which don’t cost 30cents a minute.

I read or hear or see people whining about how their other half is away for like a week, or busy for awhile or they haven’t met in like five days or he’s away in camp, and some days I want to scream at how…. unfair (for the lack of a better word) it all seems. I know everyone has their own battles to fight, and it’s just not the same.. but I still feel like stabbing people on those days anyway.

It hasn’t been easy, and when people ask me how I do it, I usually respond by telling them I cry a lot. HAHAHA.

I’m just glad he’s coming home soon.. and that I’m going to go over for a holiday before he comes back. Even so, I miss bear hugs tremendously.

COME HOME SOON!!!!!!!!

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So.

Can I just say that the weekend that just passed was hellish? Pftt. Spent it shooting for D&AD, and rushing 2 major projects for submission today, and one for tomorrow.

I know my Project 52 photo for last week is late.. I’m getting to it! *sulk*

Friday feels like it was reaaallly long ago despite being just 3 days ago. I can’t remember much from it, except that Daniel, Yiboon and myself went abit mad after making giant ice creams. Haha.

Saturday existed from 7am – 9am. The. Next. Morning.

Seriously. Longest day I have had in AGES. Also horrible because I was going nuts getting work done, slowly because I didn’t want to make mistakes and have to redo stuff. Meh.

Dragged myself out of the house for my favourite annual Chinese New Year dinner on Sunday despite not having completed the work because I think if I had stayed home, I would have gone crazy. Hahaha. Dinner was awesome.. so yummy! Mmmm.

I was sitting around after dinner and my grandmother (whom I don’t really like, hahaha) was on the sofa next to me. She turned to me and asked for my name. I told her (after shrieking it a few times cos she couldn’t hear) and she proceeded to inform me that her granddaughter has the same name as me. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Spray painting my skateboard drove me nuts. Well, not the spray painting part itself because that was the fun part. It was the making of the stencils and pinning it down that drove me up the wall. Meh.

Went to catch Valentine’s Day with Boon and Yiyang today after class.. Not bad. It was quite nice. I still prefer Love Actually though.. but maybe because it left me with mixed feelings.

What do you think about marrying your best friend? Or rather, should your spouse be your best friend too?
Heart still breaks thinking about it. Ha. Sigh. Oh well..

Oh and birthday weekend, with so few people around who I’d wanna spend it with. Why is everyone out of the country… damnit. Sucks!

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I’ve come to realise that insincerity is shown and felt most vividly in actions, or lack thereof. It’s true, you know, that when push comes to shove, and when you need support you can truly see who is around and who chooses to fade away in the distance.

I know I sound like a stupid 15 year old bitching about how her friends aren’t there for her like they promised, but whatever.

“Being there” has lost its meaning when it escapes the lips of some people.

At least I know there are still some that I can count on.. I love the lot of you very, very much. Heh. Thank you for dropping messages and calls to check on me when I wasn’t doing okay. They’re really, really greatly appreciated.

You don’t need a quarrel for friendships to lose its meaning. Sometimes all you need is your world to come crashing down.

Goodbye.

…….. Aaaaaand don’t assume. Or ask.

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what? you think that means protecting against physical harm? are you even capable of that?

I don’t like seeing my friends upset. blerugh.

why is there so much pride, even in a relationship?

hearts break and wounds deepen.

“worst situation ever.” – sighhhhhh.

severely lacking in hugs and affection. you all always ask me how I do it, and furthermore, how I’ve done it for the past two and a half years or so.. and that you wouldn’t have been able to, that the chances of straying is so high.

I’m not too sure myself.

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After an entire week of crying every night and feeling helpless and upset, of sleeping pills (mild ones – don’t have a heart attack please. it’s way better for me to sleep than to be up crying!) and of lovely friends, I think I can now safely say that I am feeling a whole lot better and ready to take on what comes next.

It hasn’t been an easy week dealing with everything that is happening, but it’s slowly coming under control somehow. I was finally able to talk things out and get most of the mush in my head sorted out, so that’s good. I’ve a feeling next week will be better!

I wouldn’t have been able to do this without the lovely people around me, who’ve been insanely nice and caring. <3

Also, I was blessed with the gift of Flickr Pro!!!!!! It was from someone I don’t know, and it was all a pleasant surprise that came at the right time. It was a token of support for my Project 52, because he likes my photos and that just really touched me – I was really encouraged by the simple gesture. Hee hee. Thank you!!!

Today and tomorrow have been set aside for me to catch up on the work I was unable to do this week, but despite being up for about 3 hours now, I feel the attack of the naps coming! Zzzz…

That aside, someone did a search for my name multiple times and found this blog, so hello who are you why are you so freaky can’t you just say hi? Pshhh.

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I’ve heard tons of definitions of what Love is – whether it’s an opinion or straight from the bible.

One of my favourite verses in the bible is the ones about Love:

Some people think love is an emotion, a surge of passion, the blush across one’s face, the commitment to be faithful, the feeling of always wanting to see the other person, an enveloping warm and fuzzy feelings or wanting the best for the other party.

And I agree. Love is all those things… And more.

I also believe that love is a decision and an action. As well as everything stated in 1 Corinthians. That love is unconditional and of course, quite impossible for us humans to achieve.

But I believe it is what we need to remind ourselves to strive for when we set out to love someone.

What sort of love is conditional?
I don’t even know how to answer that. And yet, sometimes when I look at the people around me, I can’t help think that over time, we’ve come to put a price tag, if you will, on love.

Perhaps not a price tag with monetary value, but a price tag of expectations and conditions.

Love is not a contract. Why should you expect something in return when you love? We all hope for reciprocation, obviously, but I don’t think you should demand it… for lack of a better word. (I digress, but I think pre-nups are one of the most depressing things in the world)

Love is an action – of being committed to the other’s success, of taking extra care and precaution not to hurt the other person no matter how angry or frustrated you may be, of making the conscious effort to ensure that the other feels loved.

We all love and feel loved in different ways. What use is it if you shove the way you love people down someone else’s throat when they don’t feel loved that way – and then get upset when they feel unloved?

It takes time to discover and learn how each other works, feels and functions – but whoever said loving someone was easy?

Honestly, loving someone unconditionally is one of the toughest things to do. After all, we all make mistakes and disappoint others at one point or another – which one of us is worthy to take that place on the pedestal and be above everyone else?

All I know is that unconditional love takes effort and time, and is worth more than pride or ego. We all need reminders now and then – myself included, thus this rather verbal lengthy thought process and reminder to myself and whoever else who happens to need it. Haha.

So really, if you just so happened to chance upon this somehow, and you were looking for a sign.. just swallow your pride and be giving. Just love.

(But you know, guard your heart and all that jazz too. Don’t misplace emotions. I know I sound contradicting but I am tired and I don’t know how else to put this across la! Tsk!)

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Life’s short, we all know that.

So why do people still frequently seem to lose sight of what is important? Important, not urgent.

Do we really need to be so serious, or so competitive? In fact, do we really need to make sense all the bloody time?

Loosen up and live a little. Let go of yourselves and laugh. Laugh at the world, laugh at the stupid things people like to say and laugh at yourselves.

Life’s not going to take you that seriously, so lighten up!

By the way, I WANT MORE SUPER RINGS!
And I also want to find Skinny Jolene again. She seems to have ran away.

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Some time last week (I think) Zhan and I ended up at Chin Swee to take photos. It was an awesome day of shooting – the light was nice, the place was lovely and there was just a whole lot of things just crying out to be photographed. Awesome.

Not so awesome part was discovering that Zhan’s CF card got corrupted and he lost all but three of his photos that day. Horrid, horrid thing to happen.

And so, these are photos from our first trip there.

We went back there today with Alex to take more photos. Those photos will be up another day, I suppose. I much prefer my photos from the first time I was there though. Probably for a myriad of reasons.

I thank God that I had the time and company during my holidays to go on numerous photo walks. They make me quite happy. School’s started and I can already feel time slipping away more quickly than I’d like it to. This is possibly because I am getting reacquainted with the idea of homework. Yechh.

Plus, Zhan is leaving to go back to Adelaide in a little over a month. Pooey.. There goes one person I love having conversations with going away. *sad smiley face* AHAHAHAHAHAHA. (inside joke; please ignore!)

Ey. But I’m really quite sad. Ack.

I digress.

Here’s my take on Chin Swee, a place I think is really lovely and full of sights to just take in and observe. Today’s visit back was more in depth emotionally, for lack of a better word. But I’ll leave that for another day – too much unease and sadness for one day.

rustiest pair of tongs ever

one of my favourite shots from that day.
i like how the texture of the metal gates turned out in the photo

awesome old hair salon

there were more books than place to walk in the tiny store.
love the smell of books, hate the fear of silver fish crawling out!

heh heh

so sad, this place…..

It’s such a sad, melancholy night… Or day, if you will.

The homecooked meal that my wonderful twinnie the infamous Jiao Bin prepared for us Melaka zoo animals tonight was nothing short of awesome. Thanks, Twinnie. It was my bright spark of the day when you first told me of this dinner you had planned, and once again, it’s the bright spark of my day today. Love you!! Hehe.

& thanks, your holiness (bear bear if you will) for everything, really.

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It has always been a horrid journey to get here, and I thought it was all better and things would go fine and smoothly – at least in that aspect.

Today, I found myself wondering if all this is worth it? Really, really wondered.
I wondered if I shouldn’t have taken this path, if I should just be working full time.

It kills me that just because I want to learn more and get a degree and be back in school, everyone has to be stressed out by it. Wth.

God, please let this be a year of Your provision. Please….

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I’ve never been known to make resolutions because well, I never saw the point. That, and I am incredibly lazy la! Also, it will just serve to inflict guilt on myself at the end of every year! HAHAHA.

At the end of 2008, when I prayed for 2009, I asked for a year of Love. I asked and I claimed it, and looking back, it really has been a year of Love – in more ways than I could have asked for.

For 2010, it’s simple, really – I want to be happy. To be able to choose to be happy, to be able to make that choice when it isn’t easy.

To be Happy, and to have a year of Love too, because I believe in bringing it forward too.

That’s not too much to look forward to, isn’t it?

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New Year’s Eve snuck up on me.

Without warning or anticipation, I found it thrust upon me and with all the New Year wishes and posts on blogs and Twitter I keep seeing, thoughts of what has happened this past year was thrown at me.

To be honest, I couldn’t remember much of what happened at all! Haha. I paused for awhile to recall what has happened this past year but I drew a blank, unable to go past the past 2 months which has essentially been my break from school.

And then it occurred to me that this year has really just been one hugeass whirlwind.

• i am finally back in school!

it was a horrid and long journey to be back in school, because of finances and because of reasoning with myself and my parents. all in all, God has been awesome and an incredible source of provision in this area. the first semester of school was one hell of a ride, with much to get used to but i’m loving what i do!

• awesome summer break with pinkie

i’d quit my previous job to take a break before school started, and spent one awesome summer break with pinkie. it was an incredible time of growth and love for us, and i am still continually grateful for it because it’s helping to tide me over this period of time when he’s back in london.

• i stepped down as a leader

this was never mentioned here, and i think there are a lot of people who don’t know yet.. not officially, anyway. but yea, i stepped down as a leader late this year. it was to sort out a lot of issues between me and God + church, and i thought it was unfair to let it continue to affect them. it was one of the hardest decisions i made, and the journey it took to come to that decision was painful and still is from time to time. i’m still working on stuff and praying that this whole church thing works out too.

• got my first dSLR

it shocked me, but there were a bunch of people who were surprised that i didn’t own a dslr before this. i was blessed with one a few weeks ago, and i am beyond grateful. it’s made things a lot easier photography-wise and i’m hoping this opens up more doors for me. although i am still unsure of which paths to take (career vs dream vs combining both etc etc) i pray that things just fall into place, somehow. the amount of blessings that have taken place with regards to photography is nothing short of amazing for me – from people who offer to teach me various things, to lending me gear etc etc.. i’m just really thankful.

Just four points, but the biggest points in my life this year, I think. My mind’s close to a blank right now because of the lack of sleep.. and so I will be spending NYE at home, in the quiet of my room. I had planned to head down for church’s countdown but the aching back and the thought of dealing with a crowd is abit much tonight.

The year could have ended on a better note, but I’ve too much on my mind that I need to spend abit of time sorting out on my own.

Here’s my year, summed up in a much fancier and happier version:

How has your year been?

Here’s wishing you a wonderful 2010 ahead! Make use of it, spend time with the ones you love and please, let them know you love them. hug, kiss, love.

And that, by the way, is a shot glass full of maple syrup! Hahaha. I wanted to drink it but was forbidden by Zhan. Probably fearing for his life having to deal with me after a shot of sugary goodness.

I’m praying that 2010 will be a good year of love and growth, of stability and of passion.

There is much to look forward to in 2010, really. For me, it’s Pinkie’s arrival back home. For good. At least for awhile. It is so much of a big deal for me, you cannot imagine. Two and a half years of LDR. Half a year more to go. Go go go! iloveyou

And then, there is the great Europe Adventure to be shared with my favouritist pink bear in the whole wide world, once I have completed my first year of school and him, his last. *crosses fingers*

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I asked myself that this morning afternoon when I finally woke up, feeling a tad miserable because Christmas has always been my favourite time of year, but it hasn’t felt Christmassy in awhile.

By the time I got to church for the Christmas STOMP service, I realised that despite these fleeting feelings of the lack of warm & fuzzy at Christmas time, Christmas is still about God. And that made me smile and tear a little.

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