the random adventures of jojo

I GIVE UP.
on singnet, and on saturday

it’s rapidly losing its meaning anyway.
goodbye.

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The disappointment from first looking forward very much to something and then having it snatched away from beneath your nose before you get to enjoy it is just… cruel.

—-

That said, why is my favourite month of the year quickly becoming more and more depressing every year?

Maybe this is why people dislike celebrating their birthdays more and more as they grow older.

Is this part of growing up? Then I want no part in it.

I just want to be happy.

I should be so happy… or so people have been telling me.

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my mum got warded into the hospital a couple of hours ago. she’s been having chest pains for awhile and my dad finally managed to get her to go to the hospital to get it checked.

she’s spending the night there, and I think we’ll know tomorrow morning if she can be discharged.

hospitals are depressing.

what’s strange is that that wasn’t what made me cry, or go to bed with a heavy heart tonight.

things seem to keep adding up to a big fat zero, no matter what I attempt to do. no wonder my maths fail. haaaaaa.

I wonder how much longer i have before it eats me up.

things keep falling apart over and over recently, and I hate that it repeatedly feels like there’s no form of support.

guess what they say about emotional bank accounts might be true afterall. deficit is teh sucks.

yea ok.
yea yea yea ok.

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congratulations, then.

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grumpy old man..

Whilst I was trying to get started on my school work at the dining area today (actually, the whole of today was spent trying to get work done) Russell came along and plopped himself right behind me, just under the ends of the curtains.

He was asleep when I turned around and spotted him. I grabbed Kiera my camera and snapped a few photos of him, thus the half-asleep glance he is shooting me because he heard my camera go off.

Russell is 13 this year, in human years… and he hasn’t been in very good health lately. Ever since I’d gotten him in 1997, every time I thought about him passing on, I’d cry. Sigh, I wish dogs went to heaven..

My parents finally agreed to let me get a puppy because I was going for my back operation that year…

—
http://project52.rumpledoodles.com/

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I still can’t believe Tim Tams didn’t work.

My dad brought back a cup of my favourite Koi Cafe for me, and it still didn’t work.

My head hurts from 20 hours of trying not to cry.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

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After an entire week of crying every night and feeling helpless and upset, of sleeping pills (mild ones – don’t have a heart attack please. it’s way better for me to sleep than to be up crying!) and of lovely friends, I think I can now safely say that I am feeling a whole lot better and ready to take on what comes next.

It hasn’t been an easy week dealing with everything that is happening, but it’s slowly coming under control somehow. I was finally able to talk things out and get most of the mush in my head sorted out, so that’s good. I’ve a feeling next week will be better!

I wouldn’t have been able to do this without the lovely people around me, who’ve been insanely nice and caring. <3

Also, I was blessed with the gift of Flickr Pro!!!!!! It was from someone I don’t know, and it was all a pleasant surprise that came at the right time. It was a token of support for my Project 52, because he likes my photos and that just really touched me – I was really encouraged by the simple gesture. Hee hee. Thank you!!!

Today and tomorrow have been set aside for me to catch up on the work I was unable to do this week, but despite being up for about 3 hours now, I feel the attack of the naps coming! Zzzz…

That aside, someone did a search for my name multiple times and found this blog, so hello who are you why are you so freaky can’t you just say hi? Pshhh.

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The important and the urgent.

Which do you pick? What are your priorities? Yes, you do have a choice. Do you hold off the important repeatedly for the urgent?

What if one day the important just fades away, further and further? What if when you turn around at long last, the important is no longer there?

Why can’t I get the image of my dad crying out of my head?
Why can’t I stop seeing the brokenness in his eyes?
Why can’t I just be strong and carry on and keep pushing forward and not let this haunt me over and over?

What’s going to happen now?

are you okay / it’s okay / things will be fine / i am here / you’re okay / you will be alright / i am here / you have me / cry just cry / are you feeling better / how is he / how is she / what can i do / talk to me / i am here / i love you / i am here / i am here / i am here / i am here / i am here / i am here / i am here / i am here / i am here / i am here

WHY??????????????????????????????????????????????????

and how. do. i. do. this.

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It isn’t Valentine’s Day when couples flood the streets, all happy and smiling with each other.
It also isn’t during my birthday, even though I love birthdays and would love to be able to celebrate it with me.

It isn’t even during Christmas-time, my favourite time of year, when I wish with all my heart that we can share it together for the first time.

It’s times like this, when my world seems to be falling apart around me in the slowest of motions and there is absolutely nothing I can do to prevent it or stop the pieces from shattering on the ground.

It isn’t about having someone to tell me what to do, to give me advice or even to talk.. I may not know everything I have to do; I have some semblance of inkling as to where to go on from here.. so that really isn’t the point, or the suckiest bit of all this.

It’s about seeing my dad look so incredibly tired, disheveled and so so unhappy with that broken look in his eyes, and feeling completely helpless.. It’s when I know this is beyond me and what I can do, but it’s just dealing with the emotions left behind and trying to be okay.

It’s times like this, when all I want is your presence next to me, to just hold me and let me know it’s okay, that you’re here, that you’re holding my hand through all this.

I don’t need answers, I don’t need solutions… All I need is your simple presence here, because it gives me strength.

And this, is when LDRs suck the most.

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It has always been a horrid journey to get here, and I thought it was all better and things would go fine and smoothly – at least in that aspect.

Today, I found myself wondering if all this is worth it? Really, really wondered.
I wondered if I shouldn’t have taken this path, if I should just be working full time.

It kills me that just because I want to learn more and get a degree and be back in school, everyone has to be stressed out by it. Wth.

God, please let this be a year of Your provision. Please….

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Home. Finally.

At long last.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. After all I prayed for to happen, this is the way things had to turn out?

One incredibly annoying to travel with, one put on a pedestal in his own mind, one repeatedly biased.

Shut your talk about different children having to be communicated with differently – YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT COMMUNICATING WITH ME, and yet refuse to admit it.

And then you go on to wonder why I keep going out and coming back late.

AND YOU. STOP SWEARING LA.

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how do you know that you aren’t waiting in vain? when it’s too late?

need sleep. this is ridiculous.

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