the random adventures of jojo

When I woke up this morning, I realised my MacBook couldn’t be turned on. Tried ways and means, but it didn’t work.

Long story short – it’s at the service centre now, and I am trying to retrieve my files in the HDD on my own, praying hard that it will not get corrupted.

I’m using Pinkie’s laptop now, and I am lost because well, it’s a PC and I am retardedly slow on it. Installing the Adobe software that I need is taking ages because each software is over 1gb. WTH???

So now I can’t do any work.

I’d go and try and sleep early but my mind is too wrecked to give me proper sleep.

My classmates were lifesavers today – from calming me down, to offering all sorts of help, to following me around dropping my MacBook off, and getting a HDD case from Sim Lim, lending me their MBPs to transfer my files out and back up copies of my work for me, to trying to save my ext HDD, to running virus scans, and basically keeping me sane and reassuring me over and over again. <3

It’s people like these who really give me hope again, who remind me of what I am striving to be.

I hope they manage to save my MacBook, because I’m not sure how I am going to finance a new one to replace it. Sigh. And if they do save it, I really pray that it’ll be stable to do work with because from past experiences, once the motherboard dies, things are pretty whacked.

After the whirlwind weekend, this is seriously the icing on the cake. I think it’s really really sad to feel like my world is falling apart when my MacBook dies, but OMG I really do need a stable Mac right now to do my work on because deadlines are fast approaching. As if I wasn’t stressed out enough.

But oh, you know what?

Congratulations! You’ve proven once again that you can win a cold war with anyone, even your daughter when she tearfully and desperately informs you that her Mac has just died! You can stand right smack in front of her, completely ignoring her, just looking through her! In your own words that I’ve been hearing for years, you won’t die if people don’t talk to you, so yay! Congratulations – you’ve done it once again! C’mon, people, applause!!!!!!!!!

(Don’t even bother asking me to talk things out, because last I tried, I got scolded for even daring to feel like my parents are biased So nope. Not anymore.)

I’ll get through this, with or without you.

& thank you, Pinkie, for being a source of endless love and support. Thank you for my safehouse <3

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….I was difficult to reach, but you picked me.

Whirlwind weekend, with my body left feeling spent, my mind numb from trying to comprehend why I’ve been so unhappy lately, and why I’m so miserable back here.

Decisions need to be made, and when they’re as huge as this, I’m at a loss, completely unsure of which way to head for the consequences of each choice affects the next few years of not just my life but the ones of those around me.

I think I’ve forgotten how to let go, and let God. Where are you?

Tomorrow’s the start of another week – who knows what it’ll bring? I need to find joy in little things, and faith in people. Disappointment’s difficult to get over, and being idealistic isn’t helping. Is it wrong that I would like the world to be happy and rosy? Why do people need to smash that hope over and over?

In other news, I edited some old photos for school, as part of an experimentation with different looks for a project.

To be quite honest, they were edited to interpret a certain movie director’s signature style, but I’m not sure they’re up to mark so I’m leaving his name out. Pity to insult his pretty works with these. Snigger. Wonder if anyone would be able to hazard a guess though?

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Why the fuck can’t you listen to things being said?!

I already said don’t fucking crumple the paper, and you go ahead and happily ruin the two pieces I have. As if I don’t have enough crap to deal with.

“If you think it’s too stressful, then don’t do it! Don’t bring the frustration to the whole family!”

FUCK. Most of my stress comes from the back of my head, knowing that there is no damn money to pay for school fees, and the constant depletion of my savings account to pay for food, transport and school materials. I buy paper because I didn’t have the cash to buy the proper materials to do what I needed to do.

What I don’t understand is your inability to not cause me more stress.

Just don’t do it, huh? DAMN FUCKING RIGHT. I’ve wondered countless times why I don’t do just that. You don’t know how many nights I cry myself to sleep because I am torn between straining the finances with my school fees and cost, and whether or not I should just quit, leave school and go back to having a disposable income.

And then my heart just breaks into pieces because I fought so hard just to have a chance to do my degree, and it’s still plagued with THIS much worries every effing day.

It’s no fucking wonder I cannot wait to get out.

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Amazing short documentary, with good art direction, editing, story and love.
Cried like a baby while watching it… :’(

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Today was merely the start of the third week of school and I can already feel the weight of the work. It’s not that we’ve a lot to do right now, but the amount of time needed to generate ideas is driving me up the wall!

When ideas don’t come and all I do is stare blankly at my empty layout pad, I get super worried that this is it – this is where it all ends because my lack of creativity is going to cause my doom. -_-

The lack of time to do things like hanging out with friends bothers me, but at the end of the day, I wonder how many people have time to hang out anyway. The fragility of relationships is astounding, and some days I don’t even know what’s worth it anymore.

Pent-up frustration and sadness is dangerous, and horribly detrimental to too many things, but sometimes, things really are better left unsaid.

What makes christians so damn judgmental anyway? You’re not on any moral higher-ground just because of the values that are taught to you, you know. I honestly think that christians can be the most judgmental people of the lot, especially towards other christians. There’s a fine line between watching out for someone, and being hypocritical in the very things you say and do. (And before you jump to assumptions, I’m christian too)

I really shouldn’t keep things to myself for months and months on end.

This seems to make it easier when I think of packing up and leaving this place, hahahahaha.
What am I supposed to do?
I’m sick of living up to other people’s expectations of me.

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Today started last night, or very early this morning, however you like to see it.

It was one of those dreamy days when you’re caught off-guard by what the day brings, making it even more delicious to savour. I don’t have photos to remember today by; I only have words, so here goes.

My mum and Dad (they took turns), my brother and his friend, and Pinkie played mahjong til about 330am. It was a last minute spontaneous round of mad laughter – the kind I adore most. I wasn’t involved in the game directly (mostly because I am horrid at it) and thus wasn’t exactly in the midst of the mad laughter than erupted every now and then. I was either on the bed, or in my room, glued to my DS playing Pokemon because I was trying not to fall asleep, but I enjoyed knowing that Pinkie was around with my family. It was a quiet kind of enjoyment, the type that I like once in awhile.

He took a nap while I read a book until it was early enough for us to get out of my place to get breakfast and then head over to his place. He was too zonked for me to head to the market near his place to hunt for the fried beehoon breakfast I was craving for, so he picked up McGriddles at a drive-thru and I thought I’d just cook some instant noodles.

When we got to his place, I discovered (much to my shrieking delight) that there was a stall selling fried beehoon at the coffeeshop next to his block. Awesome stuff! I don’t think the auntie expected someone to approach her stall on a public holiday at 6 in the morning with an excited shriek of “OMG YES!!!!!”

The day passed lazily and comfortably.. we got lunch at an eatery in IMM which I’ve been craving for – that certainly made me happy The last time I was there was last year when he was back. That was when we discovered the place.

The Daiso outlet at IMM remains my favourite simply for its sheer size and what they stock, which is a lot more than the others. There’s going to be one opening at ION! You wouldn’t think it, but Daiso happens to be a (cheap) treasure throve for us with regards to school work. Heh.

I’m not sure what it is about today, but somehow it just felt different, like something’s changed.

I realised on the way home that since we met, every National Day would be an awesome day. On the first year we went to the zoo! The past two years, I got tickets to the NDP (much to his dismay, but he always had an unexpectedly good day anyway haha) and today was a really good lazy day.

National Day has lost its meaning for me (even though I love going for the NDP haha) and what makes it even sadder is that I don’t really care that it has. I’m grateful for Singapore, but that’s about the extent of my feelings for this country.

Someone tweeted that being overseas has made him realise how much he needs and misses Singapore, and it got me thinking – when I was overseas in UK for 6 weeks (not very long, but the longest that I have been abroad in any case) it made me realise how much I dislike Singapore, and would love to get away from here =/
What’s that supposed to mean?

This country is home, only because I was brought up here and because of (very) few people and hardly because I love it or that I feel for it. Sad, huh? I’m not sure why, but I think I am expected to feel sad about it, but all I feel is obligated and trapped.

O, how did this turn to become about Singapore? Happy birthday, anyway.

& just like a dream, the lovely day turned right around when I got home to news that Russell has carried on moping from yesterday, only he is much worse. He has been hiding in the store room the entire day, refusing to come out or to eat. He usually says Hi to me at the gate whenever I get home, but not today.. I opened the door of the storeroom to say Hi but he merely lifted his eyes to look at me. No wagging, no lifting of his head. Just a really miserable looking dog..

I’m really afraid that it’s time for him to go, and I’m so so scared.. He’s 13 this year, and I know his time will come one day, even if this is just a scare, but even so I’m still really scared for when that happens.

Over the past year, I’ve kept wanting another pet – and had phases where I had a terrapin and some fish but they died – and I kept wanting to get a hamster. I never got one because my mum doesn’t want me to have one at home. Sigh.

I think I kept wanting one because at the back of my head, I’ve been scared about Russell’s passing for a really long time.

I wish dogs went to heaven…

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Or sad smiley face, for the stupid.

I want a hug. Sad face.

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Do you have any idea?!

Everything aside, at the end of the day, what cost does this come with? Right now my mum is out looking for a second job so she can have extra income, for crying out loud.

It’s what happens in between and the sacrifices it all comes with that makes my head hurt and my heart ache.

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more and more, it seems like people on Twitter show more care and concern than people in the supposed real world.

I’d like to run away. from all of you.

some days, such as this, i don’t know where to turn anymore.

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I literally have to repeat that to myself over and over through the course of the day, to remind myself that there is something huge for me to look forward to at the end of all this craziness: a nice long trip to London, and finally finally finally getting real hugs from Pinkie.

The past few days have been hell, and I’m not sure they’re getting any better.

I’ve been feeling nauseated and throwing up a few times a day for the past few days, as well as having chest pains which had progressively gotten worse over time.

Finally went to the doctor’s over the weekend after putting it off for a couple of days because I thought it would just go away. Besides, I was really sick of medication after being drugged out for the last two weeks from the very bad bout of flu I got.

Doctor says all this is caused by stress and anxiety, which I don’t disagree to. He gave me medication for my vomiting and a muscle relaxant for the chest pains. I hate taking them because the stupid pill is huge and makes me more stressed thinking about taking it.

I took a pill that Pinkie’s doctor gave me the last time I saw him for chest pains, because they used to work wonderfully. Big mistake, because that just caused my heart to beat very hard for a few hours. Scared the crap out of me but that’s fine now.

I feel better physically today, I guess. I spent the entire Monday in bed, forcing myself not to think about anything at all and it kinda worked I guess.

But I’m not sure what happened today because I woke up feeling scared, for no apparent reason. The stupid feeling is still hovering around and I hate it. I hate hate hate hate it. I get these bouts of fear once in awhile and it scared the crap out of me. It’s like this nagging feeling that just refuses to go away.

I know that I have a long summer break coming up in about 4 weeks – and I keep telling myself that. The problem is that right now, I can’t even see myself getting through the next 4 weeks. Argh. Horrid vicious cycle in my head.

I know that the main source of stress is school, but I’m not sure if that’s all there is. I don’t know. I haven’t had proper sleep in ages – I take forever to fall asleep, and when I do, it’s plagued with multiple dreams, leaving me exhausted mentally and physically when I get up.

Sigh, how am I going to get up for a 9am class tomorrow?

DO NOT bloody come and talk to me and ask me to think positive, take control yada yada yada because you know what? It doesn’t help. It just makes me more stressed, and rather stupid and incompetent.

But you know, thank you so so much to the darlings who have been around trying to cheer me up.

Thank you Timmy, for asking if I’d be free for a couple of minutes so that you can drive down to give me a real hug. *hugs* You’re an insanely sweet boy.

And thank you Daniel, for making me laugh like crazy, what with class tee shirts and the like. Heh! Thanks for being there to listen to me rant and to let me know that things will be okay.

Thanks Yang, for letting me know and reminding me that we’ll all do this together, and that we can do it.

This is really insane, because I feel damn stupid for being so stressed out because I know that these stuff can be done. I’m just really tired, and today it shocked me because I’m feeling the similar feelings I get when I am slipping back into mild depression.

I just really want to see familiar faces.
And hugs.
And Cadbury Mini Eggs.

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I GIVE UP.
on singnet, and on saturday

it’s rapidly losing its meaning anyway.
goodbye.

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