My photos have gotten darker, whilst Zhan’s have progressively gotten brighter and happier. Lol. Mmm, my photography style changes according to my mood. Something I need to control better. This photo was taken ages ago, before I went to London though.

I’m hardly able to convince myself that I’m not a horrible human being.

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Famous Amos makes awesome cookies, despite being a commercial chain of stores. My tummy has a soft-spot for them. I hardly ever buy them for myself, not just because I’m mostly broke but because they’re well, special happy comfort food for me. They mean much more when someone lovely buys me a bag.

Rare treats. Makes them more special.

I’ve 200g of happy cookies to last me through the month when Pinkie won’t be around. I tend to ration food that I like – can’t believe he noticed that. Haha. He’s going back to London for his graduation and to attend his brother’s wedding. Really really wish I could be there too…

Mmm, I also got a pedicure and a bunch of bread from my favourite bakery, Provence at Holland V today. (Yes, that branch in particular) All courtesy of my awesome boyfriend.

He’s leaving on Monday.

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Long story short – it’s at the service centre now, and I am trying to retrieve my files in the HDD on my own, praying hard that it will not get corrupted.

I’m using Pinkie’s laptop now, and I am lost because well, it’s a PC and I am retardedly slow on it. Installing the Adobe software that I need is taking ages because each software is over 1gb. WTH???

So now I can’t do any work.

I’d go and try and sleep early but my mind is too wrecked to give me proper sleep.

My classmates were lifesavers today – from calming me down, to offering all sorts of help, to following me around dropping my MacBook off, and getting a HDD case from Sim Lim, lending me their MBPs to transfer my files out and back up copies of my work for me, to trying to save my ext HDD, to running virus scans, and basically keeping me sane and reassuring me over and over again. <3

It’s people like these who really give me hope again, who remind me of what I am striving to be.

I hope they manage to save my MacBook, because I’m not sure how I am going to finance a new one to replace it. Sigh. And if they do save it, I really pray that it’ll be stable to do work with because from past experiences, once the motherboard dies, things are pretty whacked.

After the whirlwind weekend, this is seriously the icing on the cake. I think it’s really really sad to feel like my world is falling apart when my MacBook dies, but OMG I really do need a stable Mac right now to do my work on because deadlines are fast approaching. As if I wasn’t stressed out enough.

But oh, you know what?

Congratulations! You’ve proven once again that you can win a cold war with anyone, even your daughter when she tearfully and desperately informs you that her Mac has just died! You can stand right smack in front of her, completely ignoring her, just looking through her! In your own words that I’ve been hearing for years, you won’t die if people don’t talk to you, so yay! Congratulations – you’ve done it once again! C’mon, people, applause!!!!!!!!!

(Don’t even bother asking me to talk things out, because last I tried, I got scolded for even daring to feel like my parents are biased So nope. Not anymore.)

I’ll get through this, with or without you.

& thank you, Pinkie, for being a source of endless love and support. Thank you for my safehouse <3

Whirlwind weekend, with my body left feeling spent, my mind numb from trying to comprehend why I’ve been so unhappy lately, and why I’m so miserable back here.

Decisions need to be made, and when they’re as huge as this, I’m at a loss, completely unsure of which way to head for the consequences of each choice affects the next few years of not just my life but the ones of those around me.

I think I’ve forgotten how to let go, and let God. Where are you?

Tomorrow’s the start of another week – who knows what it’ll bring? I need to find joy in little things, and faith in people. Disappointment’s difficult to get over, and being idealistic isn’t helping. Is it wrong that I would like the world to be happy and rosy? Why do people need to smash that hope over and over?

In other news, I edited some old photos for school, as part of an experimentation with different looks for a project.

To be quite honest, they were edited to interpret a certain movie director’s signature style, but I’m not sure they’re up to mark so I’m leaving his name out. Pity to insult his pretty works with these. Snigger. Wonder if anyone would be able to hazard a guess though?

I already said don’t fucking crumple the paper, and you go ahead and happily ruin the two pieces I have. As if I don’t have enough crap to deal with.

“If you think it’s too stressful, then don’t do it! Don’t bring the frustration to the whole family!”

FUCK. Most of my stress comes from the back of my head, knowing that there is no damn money to pay for school fees, and the constant depletion of my savings account to pay for food, transport and school materials. I buy paper because I didn’t have the cash to buy the proper materials to do what I needed to do.

What I don’t understand is your inability to not cause me more stress.

Just don’t do it, huh? DAMN FUCKING RIGHT. I’ve wondered countless times why I don’t do just that. You don’t know how many nights I cry myself to sleep because I am torn between straining the finances with my school fees and cost, and whether or not I should just quit, leave school and go back to having a disposable income.

And then my heart just breaks into pieces because I fought so hard just to have a chance to do my degree, and it’s still plagued with THIS much worries every effing day.

It’s no fucking wonder I cannot wait to get out.

indifference…

Whilst walking along the River Thames, I saw Big Ben for the first time. But what intrigued me that evening wasn’t the prominent famous tourist sight, but rather what was happening along the river.

Throngs of teenagers hanging out, laughing and looking happy. A couple approaching each other with a big grin and a hug. A guy playing the saxophone, adding to the mood along the river.

It was a really nice, pleasant walk with Pinkie and Malcolm, after a hearty dinner of awesome food at Anchor and Hope.

I wonder if Londoners feel indifferent towards their tourist attractions, despite them attracting so many people all year round. I wonder if they feel the way I feel towards my own country and our sorry excuses for tourist attractions. Hahaha.

Mmm, I’m glad I captured a scene that involves Big Ben, rather than just Big Ben on its own.

—
http://project52.rumpledoodles.com/

Do check out the other photos by the people joining me on Project 52!
Zhan
Daniel
Pris
Hansel
Alex
Winnie

ARGHHHHHH damnit.

And yes, the title of the song is Jolene. *faints*

For the past couple of weeks, every time Pinkie and I made plans to go swimming, it’d rain! Happened again today, complete with thunder. Sighhhhhh.

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It’s 2am, and I’m playing with matches instead of snuggling under the comforter in the artificial cool air of my room.

I play pick-up-sticks with matchsticks.
Do the games we play as we grow up really have to become more and more dangerous?

Amazing short documentary, with good art direction, editing, story and love.
Cried like a baby while watching it… :’(

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